MF DOOM : Poo Putt Platter

“This is a platter of, this makes an, an exceptionally good late night’s snack.”

Inspired by MF DOOM “Poo Putt Platter” from MM..FOOD
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LISTEN TO MF DOOM “MM..FOOD” ON SPOTIFY

This is part of the Cooking The Album project for MF DOOM’s MM..FOOD

These footprints were by, by the flying monkey men
(But they’ve been restrained in the Valley since we made the pig feet)
Yes, that is what disturbs me

He’d probably get indigestion

Another perfectly produced “skit break” that creates a full story out of sampled movie and cartoon dialogue and is a funky as hell track. These kinds of MF DOOM tracks were my gateway into his work. I’m not a fan of “skits” on albums as they tend to break the 4th wall and interrupt the flow of the album. There are very few examples of  great albums with “skit breaks.” Personallybeforeto DOOM, the only “skit break” album I enjoyed was the Sgt. Pepper’s of hip hop, 3 Feet High And Rising. MF DOOM avoided the failure of most skits (crap writing) by relying on brilliant production and a massive collection of cartoon and movie samples to create a whole new thing: the skit track.

This is a monster of a recipe, and honestly, I can’t imagine anyone making the whole thing. Hell, I barely wanted to make this, but one has to sacrifice to make zines. It took me about 3 days of prep and a crew of 3 people to put this together for a group of friends to take the photo above. I’m certain I’ll never make the entire thing ever again. Instead, I consider this an array of individual snack recipes that would make great tailgate or party options. My personal favorites are the Rangoon and the oyster mushrooms. This is completely vegetarian, but chicken, beef, or lamb could be used for the skewers and you could make beef or pork ribs. Just trust me and keep the fried snacks as they are. You’ll never miss the meat!

POO-PUTT PLATTER
an appetizer platter worthy of DOOM
Serves 10-12 people

SKEWER SNACKS
Chickwheat Al Pastor, Seitan Gyro, and Tzatziki

Chickwheat Al Pastor
2 cups cooked chickpeas (cold, don’t use warm)
1 cup vegetable stock
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
2 tablespoons white miso paste
2 tablespoons nutritional yeast
1 tablespoon onion powder
2 teaspoons garlic powder
1 teaspoon kosher salt
1/4 teaspoon MSG
1 teaspoon apple cider vinegar
1 3/4 cup vital wheat gluten

Blend everything except the vital wheat gluten in a food processor until completely smooth. Combine with vital wheat gluten in a bowl, mixing completely, and let rest for 15 minutes. 

Split the dough in half. Place a dough ball in the food processor and let it knead until the dough is warm, stretchy, and smooth about 6 minutes. Repeat with the other ball. Split the two balls into thirds and form them into cutlets. I generally make 5-ounce cutlets which will yield 6-7 total.

Wrap the cutlets or sausages tightly in foil and steam for 1 hour. Let them cool for 10 minutes then unwrap. Cool completely and store them in an airtight container in the fridge overnight before using them.

Al pastor marinade
3 guajillo chiles, stemmed & seeded
1 cup pineapple juice
2 limes, juiced
3 cloves of garlic, grated
½ white onion, diced
1 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
1 teaspoon Mexican oregano
1/2 teaspoon cumin
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 tablespoon gochujang

Pour boiling water over the chiles and let soak for 30 minutes. Then place the chiles and the rest of the ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth. 

Cut the chickwheat into cubes and place them in a ziplock bag with the al pastor marinade. Marinate for at least 4 hours, but better overnight. 

For the skewers
Marinated chickwheat
1 pineapple, cut into cubes
Bamboo skewers

Start by soaking the skewers in water to keep them from burning. Set up your grill with a 2-zone fire. Let the grill come up to temperature (you want it around 400°F) while assembling the skewers.

Alternate chickwheat and pineapple pieces until the skewer is filled almost to the point. Grill until lightly caramelized on both sides. Keep warm in a 200°F oven while working on the rest of the platter.

Seitan Gyro with Tzatziki
1/3 cup chickpeas
2 tablespoons nutritional yeast
2 tablespoons Greek Seasoning (see recipe below)
2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar
2 tablespoons soy sauce
2 tablespoons ketchup
1/3 cup vegetable stock
1 cup vital wheat gluten

In a food processor, place all the rest of the ingredients, apart from the vegetable stock and vital wheat gluten. Blend at high speed for 1-2 minutes until smooth. Add vital wheat gluten, then the vegetable stock. Blend on high until dough forms.

Turn the dough out and knead for 5-6 minutes. The dough should show some fibers when stretched out. Roughly shape the dough into a loaf shape. Wrap with aluminum foil and steam for 1 hour. Let cool in the fridge overnight before using.

Greek Seasoning
1 tablespoon dried oregano
1 teaspoon dried basil
1 1/2 teaspoons kosher salt
1 tablespoon onion powder
1 1/2 tablespoon garlic powder
1 teaspoon black pepper
1 teaspoon dried thyme
1 1/2 tablespoon sweet paprika powder
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg

Place ingredients in a medium bowl and mix thoroughly with your fingers. Store in an airtight container. You’ll have more seasoning than you need for this recipe. That’s fine as it is great on chicken as well.

Greek Marinade
1/4 cup soy sauce
2 tablespoons Greek seasoning
2 tablespoons tomato paste
1 1/2 tablespoons olive oil
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 teaspoon Dijon mustard

Combine all ingredients in a medium bowl. Whisk to thoroughly combine.

When the seitan has rested, cut it into cubes and place it in a ziplock bag with the marinade. Marinate for at least 4 hours, but better overnight.

For the skewers
Marinated seitan
1 red onion, cut into bite-size pieces
Bamboo skewers

Start by soaking the skewers in water to keep them from burning. Set up your grill with a 2-zone fire. Let the grill come up to temperature (you want it around 400°F) while assembling the skewers.

Alternate seitan and onion pieces until the skewer is filled almost to the point. Grill until lightly caramelized on both sides. Keep warm in a 200°F oven while working on the rest of the platter.

Tzatziki
1/3 unpeeled cucumber, seeded & grated
1 tablespoon kosher salt
3/4 cup sour cream
1 tablespoon freshly squeezed lemon juice
1/2 tablespoon rice wine vinegar
3/4 teaspoon dried dill (or 1/2 tablespoon fresh minced dill)
2 cloves garlic, minced
1/4 teaspoon black pepper

Put the cucumber in a colander and sprinkle with a tablespoon of salt. Cover with a plate and sit something heavy on top. Let sit for 30 minutes. Drain well and press to remove any excess moisture

Combine cucumber & remaining ingredients in a blender. Blend until smooth.

SAUCY SNACKS
Lil Smokie Carrots, Seitan Ribs, and Sweet Lightnin’ BBQ Sauce

Lil Smokie Carrots
1/2-pound of baby carrots
2 tablespoons maple syrup
2 tablespoons soy sauce
1 tablespoon Dijon mustard
1 tablespoon cider vinegar
1 tablespoon chipotle with adobo sauce, minced fine
1 cup of water
1/4 cup grape jelly
1/4 cup Sweet Lighnin’ or your favorite BBQ sauce

Combine maple syrup, soy sauce, dijon, vinegar, chipotle, and water in a medium, deep skillet. Whisk to combine thoroughly. Place carrots in the liquid in a single layer. Cover and bring the liquid up to a boil over medium-high heat. Cook for 10 minutes. Uncover, reduce heat to medium-low, and continue to cook, shaking the pan occasionally to turn and glaze carrots, until liquid is completely reduced and carrots are coated in glaze. 

Add the grape jelly and BBQ sauce to the skillet and mix to combine, coating the carrots. Simmer on low for 30 minutes until the sauce thickens and the carrots are coated. Cover and keep warm while assembling the rest of the platter.

Seitan Ribs
1 cup vital wheat gluten
3/4 cup low-sodium vegetable broth
1/3 cup small red beans
1 teaspoon cider vinegar
2 tablespoon red miso
1 chipotle in adobo, minced
1 tablespoon soy sauce
2 tablespoon nutritional yeast
1 tablespoon smoked paprika
2 teaspoon onion powder
1 teaspoon garlic powder
1 teaspoon mustard powder
1 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 teaspoon MSG
1 cup Sweet Lightnin’ sauce (see recipe below)

Preheat the oven to 350 F. Lightly grease an 8×8 baking dish and set aside.

Add everything except the vital wheat gluten and Sweet Lightnin’ to the bowl of a food processor. Blend on low until smooth and saucy. Add the vital wheat gluten and process it forms a dough ball. Turn the dough out onto a clean work surface and knead for 2-3 minutes. Form into a ball, cover with a clean towel and let rest on the counter for 30 minutes.

Use a rolling pin to shape the dough into a rectangle about 10-inches long by 4-inches wide and 1/2 inch thick. The dough may be a bit tough to work with and spring back but just keep at it. Any sort of rib-shaped rectangle will be fine.

Transfer the dough to a greased baking dish. Place pan in preheated oven and bake for 28 minutes, flipping halfway through. While the ribs are baking, heap your grill or lightly oil a grill pan.

Remove from the oven and brush the top of the ribs with barbecue sauce. Place sauce side down on a heated grill (or grill pan on the stove over medium heat). Brush the top with more barbecue sauce.

When the bottom of the ribs is caramelized, flip over and cook the other side until brown. Remove from heat and Keep warm in a 200°F oven while working on the rest of the platter. When ready to serve, cut the ribs into 1-inch  wide pieces.

Sweet Lightnin’ BBQ Sauce
1 1/2 tablespoons pickled jalapenos, minced
3 clove garlic, minced
2 cups brown sugar
2 teaspoon smoked paprika
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
1 lemon, juiced
1 teaspoon hot sauce (Frank’s, Red Devil, Texas Pete’s, etc)  
1/3 cup  cider vinegar
1/3 cup Dijon mustard
1 1/2 teaspoon  Worcestershire
1 1/2 cup  ketchup

Place garlic & jalapeno in a food processor until finely minced. (If no food processor – mince them as finely as possible with a knife.) Combine all ingredients in a heavy saucepan. Bring to a boil then reduce heat to a simmer. Simmer for 15 minutes stirring often. Cool to room temperature before using it. The sauce will thicken as it cools. Pour into a jar, bottle, or storage container, and store in the refrigerator.

NOTE: Pay close attention to this sauce while simmering. Due to the high sugar content, it will tend to easily scorch or set up too thick (or both). The key is to keep stirring every 5 or so minutes to keep the sauce moving in the pot.

FRIED SNACKS
Cauliflower Rangoon, Fried Oyster Mushrooms, Sweet Chili O’ Mine Sauce, and Gochujang Ranch

Cauliflower Rangoon
14-ounces cauliflower florets, steamed
3/4 cup room temperature cream cheese (vegan or dairy)
2 tablespoons fresh chives, chopped
2 cloves of garlic, minced
1/2 teaspoon Old Bay seasoning
1/2 teaspoon soy sauce
1/4 teaspoon onion powder
1/4 teaspoon gochugaru or red pepper flakes, optional
1/8 teaspoon kosher salt
1/8 teaspoon black pepper
20 square wonton wrappers
2 quarts of vegetable oil, for frying

Place the steamed cauliflower in a large bowl. With a potato masher or the back of a fork, mash the cauliflower until it resembles a crab-like consistency. Add the cream cheese, chives, garlic, Old Bay, soy sauce, onion powder, pepper flakes, salt, and pepper. Mix to combine all the ingredients thoroughly.

Fill a small bowl with water. Spoon about 2 teaspoons of filling into the center of the wonton wrapper. Using your fingers, lightly dip into the water and moisten the outer edges of the wonton wrapper. Bring two opposite corners of the wontons together and pinch them together. Then, bring the other two opposite corners together, making a purse shape. Seal the edges together, carefully removing any air bubbles. Repeat this process until all the filling is gone.

Heat oil in a large pot until it reaches 350-375°F. Once the oil has reached temperature, fry the vegan crab rangoon 5 or 6 at a time, making sure not to overcrowd the pot. Fry until they are golden brown and crispy, about 3 minutes. Transfer to a cooling rack or paper towel-lined plate. Repeat until all the wontons are fried.

Oyster Mushroom Tenders
10-ounces oyster mushrooms, carefully cut in half
1 1/2 cup flour, divided
1 cup milk
1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar
1 tablespoon hot sauce
1 tablespoon pickle brine
2 teaspoon MSG or kosher salt, divided
2 teaspoon smoked paprika
1 1/2 teaspoon gochugaru
1 teaspoon black pepper
1 teaspoon onion powder
1 teaspoon garlic powder
1/2 teaspoon cumin
2 cups vegetable oil

Set up your dredging station with 2 shallow bowls or plates. In one, add 1/2 cup of flour. Add the remaining 1 cup of flour to the other. Stir the apple cider vinegar, hot sauce, and pickle brine into the milk and let it sit for a couple of minutes

Season the 1/2 cup of flour bowl with 1 teaspoon of MSG or salt and pour in the milk mixture.  Whisk to dissolve the flour. Then, add the remaining MSG or salt to the other bowl followed by the pepper, onion powder, garlic powder, smoked paprika, gochugaru, and cumin.  Mix to combine

Coat the oyster mushrooms in the dry mix, then in the wet mix, and again in the dry mix. Set aside on a plate. Repeat until all of the oyster mushrooms are coated

Add the oil to a frying pan and heat to 350°F. Carefully place the oyster mushrooms in the oil.  Fry in small batches to prevent overcrowding the pan.  Cook for 3-4min.  Flip the mushrooms over and cook for another couple of minutes

Carefully transfer the fried mushrooms onto a cooling rack, sprinkle with salt, and let them rest for a minute or so before serving.

Sweet Chili O’ Mine Sauce
1/2 cup rice wine vinegar
1/2 cup water
4 ounces white sugar
5 cloves of garlic, finely minced
1 tablespoon soy sauce
3 ounces Sambal Oelek
4 teaspoons cornstarch
2 tablespoons water

Add the vinegar, water, sugar, garlic, and soy sauce to a non-stick pan. Heat over medium heat,  while stirring, to dissolve the sugar. Increase the heat to medium-high and bring the mixture to a boil. Let simmer for 2 minutes.

Add the sambal oelek and stir to combine thoroughly. Let it cook for 5 minutes on medium-low heat until slightly thickened.

Mix the cornstarch and water into a smooth slurry and add it to the sauce. While stirring often to prevent burning, simmer the sauce for another 5-8 minutes until it reaches your desired thickness. Bear in mind this sauce will thicken as it cools. If it gets too thick, add a little water to thin it out.

Once cooled, pour into an airtight bottle or jar and store in the fridge

Gochujang Ranch
¼ cup Ranch dressing
2 tablespoons gochujang (or your fave hot sauce)

Combine Ranch & gochujang in a bowl. Chill in the fridge 1 hour before using.