“It’s goin’ in dry and it’s comin’ out soggy.”
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Honestly, I have no idea how to address the music portion of this recipe. I know the original track was in no way, shape, or form targeted at a 50+-year-old white guy even if he’s down with 90% of hip-hop history. The issue arises with that remaining 10% because I believe, regardless of sex, “sex rap” is a weak fucking choice. Sure, it’s going to sell. Sure, it’s going to provoke outrage. Sure, it’s easier than actually writing something significant and uplifting. And – NO – Carbi B. making a pu**y rap like some dude making a di*k rap is NOT uplifting, but hey I’m a white guy so I’m likely wrong.
So I decided to double down on the “parody” aspect of Cardi’s original thesis and went with a Vegas Lounge Cover of this track. Yep – Richard Cheese is white as fuck. Yep – perhaps he & I are missing the point. To me, however, this cheesy smarmy easy listening take is far more subversive and honest than the original.
I have to acknowledge this recipe was never on my radar. It was suggested by Cherree Thee CatMutha and honestly, it was such a stupid and somewhat tasteless idea that I had to make it Essentially, this is a “deconstructed chicken parm” though I really hate that term. It sits at the crossroads of baked ziti, chicken parm, and pasta soup. A ton of cheese, a solid amount of chickwheat (or chicken), and a very loose tomato sauce/broth. One-pot – easier than baked ziti – simpler than chicken parm – and the leftovers are brilliant. It’s everything you want in a wet ass pasta.
WAP (WET A** PASTA)
Fried chickwheat (or chicken), tomato sauce. mozzarella, asiago, and croutons
Makes about 4 servings
3/4 pound of chickwheat (see recipe below) or chicken, shredded
1 tablespoon cornstarch
2 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil, divided
1 large onion, medium dice
3 cloves garlic, minced
3 tablespoons tomato paste
1 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes
1 15-oz. can of diced tomatoes
6 cups vegetable stock
1 teaspoon dried basil
1/2 teaspoon dried oregano
1/2 teaspoon dried thyme
1/4 teaspoon kosher salt
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
8-ounces of penne pasta
1 cup mozzarella, shredded
1 cup freshly grated Asiago or Parmesan
Croutons, Italian seasonings, and garlic bread for serving
Shred the chickwheat or chicken and toss with the cornstarch. Heat 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a large pot and fry the shred until golden and crispy. Remove from the pot and set aside.
Return the pot to medium heat, heat oil. Add onion and cook, stirring, until soft, 5 minutes. Add garlic and cook until fragrant, 1 minute more. Stir in tomato paste and red pepper flakes. Add tomatoes, stock, basil, oregano, thyme, salt, and pepper, and bring to a simmer.
Add penne and cook until al dente, 8 to 10 minutes.
Add chickwheat or chicken, mozzarella, and parmesan. Let cheese melt, then ladle into bowls. Top with croutons, extra cheese, and Italian seasonings, and serve with garlic bread.
Makes about 1 pound
1 cups cooked chickpeas (cold, don’t use warm)
1/2 cup vegetable stock
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
1 tablespoon white miso paste
1 tablespoon nutritional yeast
1/2 tablespoon onion powder
1 teaspoon garlic powder
3/4 teaspoon kosher salt
1/2 teaspoon apple cider vinegar
1 cup vital wheat gluten
Blend everything except vital wheat gluten in a food processor until completely smooth. Combine with vital wheat gluten in a bowl, mixing completely, and let rest for 15 minutes.
Take the rested dough ball and knead for about 5 minutes until the dough is warm, stretchy, and smooth.
Divide the dough into six pieces and form into the shape of a cutlet. Wrap each cutlet individually loosely in foil making a packet. Place the packets in a steamer basket, cover the pot with a lid, and steam for 50 minutes. Once steamed, remove from the basket and place the packets on a cooling rack for five minutes. Unwrap the cutlets and return to the cooling rack to cool completely. Place in an airtight container and let rest in the fridge overnight.
Makes about 1 cup
1 tablespoon dried oregano
1 tablespoon dried basil
1/2 tablespoon dried rosemary
1/2 tablespoon dried thyme
1/2 tablespoon red pepper flakes
1 teaspoon garlic powder
Combine all ingredients in a bowl and mix thoroughly. Store in an airtight container.